The 411: 6/28/09

You know what makes me smile? Knowing that I have an amazing guy, willing to hold his horses, and take things slow. Willing to just let nature take it's course and let time decide when it's our time. I'm very thankful for him, I really am. Lord knows, I need more time to move past things than most, but that's why I'm so thankful that he's given me someone that's allowing me to just breathe, and be me. I'm grateful for that...I just wonder if things are going to work out. He lives thousands of miles away, and long distance relationships never work out for me. But hey, you never know, things can change...people can change. I for some reason, still haven't been able to forget what the two closest people did to me, I've forgiven but surly haven't forgotten. I really just want to erase that part of my life, and redraw it the way I wanted things to happen. Thought I can't do that literally, mentally I can do that anyway I so choose. Ha ha, maybe I need help. Than again, even if I did get help, I probably wouldn't be willing to talk about my issues, and people probably just wouldn't understand, or accept it for that matter...

Micheal Jackson died this week, even though I didn't grow up with his music, and listen to all his songs...I will truly miss him. What I do remember of him, were both good and bad things. I however, think he was just a man that people didn't know how to accept. Was he good or bad? Creepy or loving? Though he's gone now, and though we still question the things he said, and did, there is nothing we can do now. He's at peace, and any question that wasn't fully answered or explained was simply, meant to be that way.

I being to slip into a foul mood, maybe I'm just tired, or maybe it's something deeper? Either way, I'll catch you later.

Longing for tomorrow,
Nik.

Bye.

Spending a couple days with my cousins, just putting that out there.

I'll miss you blogy, ha ha!

Bye, guys.

<3

Having family fun,
Nik.

You gotta put the past behind ya...

You know...the more I think about my talk with Eric last night, the more I think it was the wrong thing to do. I can't get what we talked about out my head. I thought I was ready to face the music, and to face what's really happening...but I defiantly wasn't. I mean, GOD, that was my boyfriend, my bestfriend, my everything. And now he's head over heels for my bestfriend, that doesn't know crap about him. Ah, but I know that if they weren't together, and if things went the way things always go, he'd be chasing after me, but I'd be unwilling to slow my pace, and let him catch up. All of this is so confusing, did I want him or not? Is she better than me or not? I wish I had all the answers, but nothing's ever that easy. I think I need to just keep my distance from them. I'm just not ready to face the two of them, or build either of our relationships. I just need to discover me first, and move past the past. Because according to a former friend of mine, I live in the past, and that hinders me from embracing the present. Hmm, maybe so, but either way, no one knows me better than me. This, this is going to be harder than I thought...

Trapped in the past,
Nik.

Put your listening ears on!

Ah, hello all. I'm back after a long weekend, first off wishing every father out there a happy father's day, and hoping that everyone enjoyed the day spending it with their family? I'm currently sitting alone in my living room, listening to the silence, something that I think we take for granted. We have so many things going in our lives, and we're constantly running around doing this, that, and the third, and I don't think that we take enough time to just sit still and listen; at least, I know I don't do that enough. Especially during the school year, when I'm busy studying, doing homework, training, running from here to there, trying to please people...This is why I live for Summer. Summer is the one time during the whole year, when I can spend days at a time just listening to the quiet. Quiet is louder than anything I know. Quiet is what can always be found, and something that I am seeking. Just sitting here listening, I feel so calm. There is no storm in my heart, or thoughts racing through my head like there always is, I just feel at peace with everything going on around me, and for me, that's something that I need...Though my sister just opened the door to our room, and I'm hearing her yaking on the phone loud and clear, I can also hear the fan going, well, it was good while it lasted...WAIT, yes! She closed the door, I can hear the quiet again, lol. Any who, my weekend was wonderful, I was able to spend time with some of my close friends; swapping steamy stories, sharing in each others ups and downs, laughing together, smiling together, beating Sierra's butt at tennis...all that made my weekend all the more wonderful. Having them over gave me time to just breathe, and take a step back and focus on the now, not the now of the future, but the now of the very time that they were there. They kept me busy enough, that when that something was trying to hinder me, or come and over take me, that all I had to do was focus, on the now. And at that present time, that wasn't a concern.

I feel as though I beating around the bush a bit. I'm avoiding what I really want to talk about, and in my own blog too, wow. Well, I guess I'll just dive in; yesterday was Navea's parent's wedding. I was invited, in a sense, but if you consider-"You can come to the wedding too, but you wouldn't have a seat." or "You can come, we always need more servers, HEY! You can serve me!"-than I was defiantly invited, but if you're with me, and don't see that as an invite, than no I wasn't. Not that I would have went if I was, it would have been just like going over her house that day last weekend, weird and awkward. I just find it amusing how Eric thinks I should just be happy for them. I'd be happier getting a root canal. I mean, how can I be happy with the two of them dating? And you know what upsets me the most? That I keep thinking about this...I don't understand why I can't just be like "Pshh, big deal, he's just my sloppy seconds, if you wanna settle for less, be my guest..." I just can't get my brain to accept the fact that I really don't care. Wait a second, I just realized though, what if my brain understands, but it's my heart that needs convincing? Man, love is confusing. I mean yes, there's "Mr. Speed", and he's great, he really is, but I just want to know if I'm making the right choice. Eric seems to think that he's picked a winner...that their just so happy together, and neither of them care how much they have hurt me in the process. I'm not good with being hurt, for some reason, I hold that hurt, and it just grows, and grows into more hurt. And that hurt builds a wall, a wall that begins to try and block out hurt all together, in doing so however, it blocks out other people; because everyone has the ability to hurt one another. I just want to tear down the wall, and allow people back in, but the wall over time has just grown and grown and has become strong-and the foundation on which it was built was perfectly constructed with my pain, and agony-and has grown too much for one to tear down. And so, I've stopped trying to break it down, stopped trying to let people in, I've just stopped altogether...it's easier that way, at least...that's how it seems.

And so, as I sit here in the quiet that which is my living room, I listen out for what I may not hear, for what I may not want to hear. I sit here, in expectation. But thanking God, that even if nothing happens, even if this lovely peace and calmness in my heart lasts for this short period of time, that I'm grateful. Oh so grateful, that he allowed me to feel it; hopefully I'll be able to spend the rest of my Summer this way, listening to the quiet-but of course embracing the loudness that is Summer-simply enjoying what time I have here.

Listening,
Nik.

Wait on Me.

I'm waiting for what may never come.
Something that may never happen.
Why, am I sitting here, waiting; waiting for what may never happen.
Waiting for life to come and tap me on the shoulder and say "Nicole, come on live a little!"
Waiting for people to realize that I would do anything to make things between us work.
Waiting to wake up from this slumber that has over taken me...

Ah, writer's block sucks.
I just can't think of anything to finish this..hmhm.

SPEED.

AHHHHH, Mr. Speed told me he likes me!
OMGGGGG!
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I'm all smiles right now, oh and there he is ----->.
He actually told me last night when we were talking, but I didn't feel up to blogging at that moment. I was defiantly on Cloud 9 when he told me that, because for awhile I'd been confused about whether or not he actually liked me. I mean he always was so nice to me and everything, but I was never 100% sure he liked me, and now I know! Ah, I'm so happy, I really am. I'm excited for next Wednesday the most though because we're going to the movies together! We gonna do a double date with some friends, and go see Transformers! Wow, I'm so glad I didn't let the whole Navea and Eric thing get to me, I would of missed this amazing, cute, and sweet guy right in front in me <3.>

Floating on Cloud 9,
Nik.

Ouch, my back hurts...

Hello...I am currently laying across my couch, watching TV, and thinking; it's quite relaxing. My day was quite the day, I actually went to my ex-best friend's with one of my best friends, and it was the most award thing that I have ever experienced. Why would I even go over there you ask? Well, I was trying to make things right, I wanted to see if she felt any remorse toward what she is putting me through, and she is. She barely spoke to me; directly, and she couldn't bring herself to look me in the eye. That made me feel good...now before you start judging me, sit in the neutral corner and listen to the story first...*FLASHBACK* Back in the middle of the school year, my now and than ex boyfriend Eric were "talking", and since we were on this whole "tell-each-other-everything" thing, he came out and told me that he thought he liked my than best friend Navea. I was pissed off somewhat, but than he got over it because things happened between Navea and I and we stopped talking. So blah blah, the year goes on and Eric and I keep talking, one thing leads to another, and we just flat out stop talking like Navea and I did; this is nothing new for Eric and I this happens on a daily basic...well it did. So, than a few days ago, my younger sister tells me, that Eric and Navea are going out...^%$#@^&*! Now mind you Navea was my best friend so I told her a lot about Eric when I was with him, and when I was with him, she made him seem so horrible, saying I could do better, that he wasn't good for me, that he couldn't dress well, and all this stuff. And Eric, would talk about Navea to me, because he was also my best guy friend and when Navea would fight, he would be there to listen, and take my side. They know NOTHING about the other, Navea doesn't know half the things I know about that boy, it's like how dare you go out with my ex-boyfriend. I don't care that we stopped talking, or that she and I weren't on the best of terms, I still considered her my sister, someone who had my back and what does she do with that trust? She takes it and throws it in my face by DATING MY EX-BOYFRIEND?! And than trying to keep it from me, but telling my younger sister, talking about "Don't tell Nicole, I don't want it to start drama..." You were starting drama by telling it to my SISTER...Ahh, horrible. So, you know what, I'm very happy she couldn't look me dead in the eye, because at least that gives me some sense that she knows what she's doing is wrong. I just can't believe her, wow is all I have to say. Unforgivable, sista, unforgivable.
It's gonna be alright though, I'm gonna work through all this, and things are gonna work out. Someday in the future, I will find the perfect guy, one that will respect me and show me a good time, I'll find him...
And Navea dear, if you by some chance are reading this...Enjoy Eric, yes I'm hurt you would go behind my back and do something like this, but the way you truly are was bound to come out sooner or later, and it's cool. Have a nice life dear, maybe we'll cross paths again soon someday, but for right now...I have nothing more to say to you. And Eric...Ha ha, I have nothing I want to say to you at all.
I'll leave this on a high note, I was asked out twice, but I'm still waiting for Mr. Speed...OH, the nickname, ha ha. I call him Mr. Speed because he is a beast at track, he could even beat me, ha ha. We have so much in common, track, reading, height, dreams...ahhh, and he's cute! I'm waiting on him, wouldn't it be funny if he was waiting on me, lol.

Leaving on a high note,
Nik.

It's Been Awhile...

It's been awhile, I know. Didn't mean for so much time to go bye, I've just been busy I guess? Well, before school ended, I was in my church play which lasted a week, (a show each night, with 2 on Sunday). It was tons of fun, and even though we complained through some of it, I do miss it. And finals just so happened to be coming up the same week as the play, which meant I had to be a rehearsals and the shows, and study when I wasn't on stage, in the car to and from the play, and in school. It was crazy, and sadly I feel the only class that suffered was stupid Biology...I might have gotten my first C people! Not for my final grade in the class, but for the final exam grade...but still, lol. Other than just chillen and hanging with friends for the Summer, nothing else is up. I'm thinking about changing my URL again, because I don't want certain people reading my blog anymore, ha ha. I've finally...yes FINALLY discovered my true friends. I really have, and boy were the kids I was with not the right people. I know who deserves my attention and so much more. And I may have even found the perfect guy for me in the mist. Yeah, those two people hurt me badly, yeah they talked behind my back, yeah they're "together" now, yeah it hurts me, but you know what? I don't care, and surprisingly...it's true. I'm completely fine with all of this crappy stuff that they have tried to hide from me! It's fine, it really is. Because what doesn't kill you, will only make me stronger. And man, did that crap come close to killing me, but you know what...in the end, it can only be a blessing! :)
However, I'm going out with friends tonight, and probably going to hang out with Mister Speed tomorrow, (I'll explain the nickname later, promise) so I must go and get ready.

Living for today,
Nik.