Ah, hello all. I'm back after a long weekend, first off wishing every father out there a happy father's day, and hoping that everyone enjoyed the day spending it with their family? I'm currently sitting alone in my living room, listening to the silence, something that I think we take for granted. We have so many things going in our lives, and we're constantly running around doing this, that, and the third, and I don't think that we take enough time to just sit still and listen; at least, I know I don't do that enough. Especially during the school year, when I'm busy studying, doing homework, training, running from here to there, trying to please people...This is why I live for Summer. Summer is the one time during the whole year, when I can spend days at a time just listening to the quiet. Quiet is louder than anything I know. Quiet is what can always be found, and something that I am seeking. Just sitting here listening, I feel so calm. There is no storm in my heart, or thoughts racing through my head like there always is, I just feel at peace with everything going on around me, and for me, that's something that I need...Though my sister just opened the door to our room, and I'm hearing her yaking on the phone loud and clear, I can also hear the fan going, well, it was good while it lasted...WAIT, yes! She closed the door, I can hear the quiet again, lol. Any who, my weekend was wonderful, I was able to spend time with some of my close friends; swapping steamy stories, sharing in each others ups and downs, laughing together, smiling together, beating Sierra's butt at tennis...all that made my weekend all the more wonderful. Having them over gave me time to just breathe, and take a step back and focus on the now, not the now of the future, but the now of the very time that they were there. They kept me busy enough, that when that something was trying to hinder me, or come and over take me, that all I had to do was focus, on the now. And at that present time, that wasn't a concern.
I feel as though I beating around the bush a bit. I'm avoiding what I really want to talk about, and in my own blog too, wow. Well, I guess I'll just dive in; yesterday was Navea's parent's wedding. I was invited, in a sense, but if you consider-"You can come to the wedding too, but you wouldn't have a seat." or "You can come, we always need more servers, HEY! You can serve me!"-than I was defiantly invited, but if you're with me, and don't see that as an invite, than no I wasn't. Not that I would have went if I was, it would have been just like going over her house that day last weekend, weird and awkward. I just find it amusing how Eric thinks I should just be happy for them. I'd be happier getting a root canal. I mean, how can I be happy with the two of them dating? And you know what upsets me the most? That I keep thinking about this...I don't understand why I can't just be like "Pshh, big deal, he's just my sloppy seconds, if you wanna settle for less, be my guest..." I just can't get my brain to accept the fact that I really don't care. Wait a second, I just realized though, what if my brain understands, but it's my heart that needs convincing? Man, love is confusing. I mean yes, there's "Mr. Speed", and he's great, he really is, but I just want to know if I'm making the right choice. Eric seems to think that he's picked a winner...that their just so happy together, and neither of them care how much they have hurt me in the process. I'm not good with being hurt, for some reason, I hold that hurt, and it just grows, and grows into more hurt. And that hurt builds a wall, a wall that begins to try and block out hurt all together, in doing so however, it blocks out other people; because everyone has the ability to hurt one another. I just want to tear down the wall, and allow people back in, but the wall over time has just grown and grown and has become strong-and the foundation on which it was built was perfectly constructed with my pain, and agony-and has grown too much for one to tear down. And so, I've stopped trying to break it down, stopped trying to let people in, I've just stopped altogether...it's easier that way, at least...that's how it seems.
And so, as I sit here in the quiet that which is my living room, I listen out for what I may not hear, for what I may not want to hear. I sit here, in expectation. But thanking God, that even if nothing happens, even if this lovely peace and calmness in my heart lasts for this short period of time, that I'm grateful. Oh so grateful, that he allowed me to feel it; hopefully I'll be able to spend the rest of my Summer this way, listening to the quiet-but of course embracing the loudness that is Summer-simply enjoying what time I have here.
Listening,
Nik.
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