The 411: 8/29/09

Hello everyone, sorry for the lack of posts over the course of a few days...I've actually been on the site, I just haven't had anything of interest to blog about. So I just figured I'd start typing, and hopefully my creative juices will being to flow...It seems like it's beginning to work. Well, I guess I'll give a run down of my week. It's been interesting, a bit overwhelming, and a tad unnerving. Basically school is school, and that's all there is to it. I dropped my Honors Chemistry class, because I didn't think I could handle the work, but part of me thinks I might have just been scared, or lazy. Either way, I'll be in regular ol' Chemistry, which will still be a challenge, but one I'll be able to handle and complete. I started choir, which is nice, I enjoy singing, regardless of what others may think, ha. Choir is actually a lot of fun, along with having it every other day, and having my friends in that class, it's great. I'm going to be doing a lot of new things this year, what with choir, swimming, and track. This year will be a good one, regardless of how things start out, things are gonna get better, I know that for sure.

I recently saw my ex, and my ex-bestfriend, his now girlfriend. It's funny, because I saw them both on the same day, which was weird, because normally I only run into his girlfriend. But I saw him in the hallways Friday, he looked the same. Same ol' tall self, haha. Our eyes met, and I'm not sure if he caught this, but I sorta laughed to myself...I tried not to laugh of course, but I couldn't really help it, but I had to just cheer myself up, keep myself collected and together. I mean really...I went out with him? Not saying there was anything wrong with him, I'm not saying that at all, because I know there's someone out there for him, that is gonna love him for him! However, I can't believe that I allowed myself to get so caught up in our relationship. I can't believe that I let that relationship rule my now love life. It's almost like from that one relationship, I'm so much more caution than need be. I can't really help it though, I'm just saving myself and my emotions for a guy that is worth my time, someone that is going to just as overly cautious as me, and looking for a girl that is worth his time. He's out there, I know it. He may not be the guy I'm with, but at least he's close to it. We're on the same page, and even though things have been slightly rocky, we're working on things. We're taking things slow, we're not so quick to break up, we're both slow to anger, and quick to listen to the other person's feelings. So he may not be there yet, but he's getting there; and the same goes for me. Actually, not that I'm...hm, never mind, I don't wanna jinx anything.

I'm gonna go, I'll try and check in again tomorrow.

Leaving,
Nik.

1st Day of School.

The first day of school wasn't too bad, I have a pretty bad headache at the moment, so I don't really feel up to blogging right now. Plus I have freaking Chemistry homework? That class is majorly hard, they gave me a college book to do work from, a COLLEGE book?! I'm in the 10th grade...like really? So, I've talked to my dad about it, and when my mom comes home we'll decide. Because I know honors classes look good on college apps. but I don't wanna take on a class and struggle causing my GPA to drop, you know? So, I'll probably just take normal Chemistry, which is completely fine with me.

Oh, the rude girl & her sidekick, are still together...or so I heard, lol! I didn't really care, but one of the rude girl's friends brought it up during a conversation, and I just basically stopped her mid-sentence, and was like "nahh, no need to finish." I'm not gossiping about those two, when I said I was finished with them, I meant it...and that meant talking rude about them and everything. I'm not happy their together, but I could careless. I mean if they were both the type of friends they claimed to be, neither of them would be together right now, out of respect for saving our friendships. Obviously, our friendships didn't mean enough to them, but hey...you get over things. Tomorrow should be an interesting day, I know for a fact, I'm gonna run into her during our class 1st block. Defiantly have to pray I stay saved, and don't beat her down, bahaha!

Yet again, I'm getting distracted...I have homework to do, & I have to rest up before bible study...pray I'll be picked for the Student Youth Council, I'll explain later, lol.

Busy,
Nik.

The 411: 8/25/09

I have returned. Well, really I haven't gone anywhere, I've just been alittle busy. Jumping right into what I want to say...TOMORROW IS THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL! Not that I'm excited or anything, haha! I'm actually really anxious, like I always am, before a big event. I'm also excited though, because I'm in choir. I shall be singing my heart out everyday, not really...but you get the point. Plus I'm in all honors classes, except for math of course. I keep getting distracted...though you guys don't know this because you only see the finished product and don't know how long it takes me to type this, ha. Anyways, I'm ready for a new year, a new beginning. I'm surrounding myself with new people, and am believing that I will be involved with no drama, because people are going to know...I DON'T PLAY THAT. I'm ready though, I'm a completely different person than what I was last year, I'm excited for people to see that. With that, I'm gonna head to bed, surprisingly I didn't think I'd be tired yet...(9:29), when normally I don't fall asleep until 12, 1 o'clock, ha. But Summer's over, and school is here. I'm gonna shoot up a quick pray or "tap into the Kingdom" as Mrs. Tam likes to put it;

Dear Lord,
I thank you for bringing us through the Summer, I thank you Lord that you allowed us all to see another school year. I ask that you protect us Lord, that you cover us with your precious blood, and surround us with your angels. I ask you to help with our studies, that you would help us to focus when need be. I pray that our teachers are kind, and that our classmates listen and understand what we're being taught. Surround us with good people, people that are going somewhere and doing something good with their time. Continue to draw us closer to you Lord, build up our relationship, and help us to "tap into the kingdom" not only when we need something but just to check in; let others see your light in us, let them know there's something different about us! Help us, protect us, and keep us. I thank you for all your doing, and all your going to do, I thank you and praise you...Amen.

Ready for school,
Nik.

The 411: 8/16/09

I've never realized how truly rude some people can be. I mean, I know there are some rude people out there, but I never expected to run into someone that was so RUDE. No matter how much I tried to be nice, no matter how much I tried to lighten the mood, things just wouldn't get better. She just wouldn't lighten up. She really cut me deep, I mean I was truly hurt. Even though I've forgiven her, for what's been going on, I was still very hurt. I mean I know she doesn't care about what I have to say, I know my opinion never mattered to her in the first place. However, after I thought and thought about what she said to me, I couldn't find one instance that I did those things. If anything I pushed to much to make things work. Let myself be vunerable for too long, hoping -praying- that all this would just blow over like it always did, that wasn't what GOD had in store though. I know no one's perfect, and I know no one stays in your life forever, but no matter how much you hear that statement, it doesn't sting any less when it happens. Can't say I won't miss her, we did have our good times. But hey, I did what I had to do, I planted the seed, now it's up to her to water it and help it grow. So my dear, I wish you nothing but the best, follow your dreams, and be happy with your new friends!

I honestly feel that GOD is working on me. However, I wonder why I can't stop doing the things I know are wrong; the things that I know GOD hates. I just can't bring myself to show self-control. That is what I lack; I lack the very meaning of having self-control. I need to work on that. And I need to work on trusting others. That's going to be the hardest thing though, because (as I was telling one of my best friends) I'm sick of being hurt by people I know and love. I'm tired of it. Again, I know no one is perfect, I know that I'm not the best person in the world, but I truly try to keep people in my life. I mean seriously.

*SIGH*

Oh well, things can only get better from here. I'm tired, today has been a long day; with church, and Imani's party w/ my girls, I'm beat. I'm going to finish updating my ipod, and I'm gonna call it a night.

Multi-tasking,
Nik.

Can you feel the PRESSURE ?

Look out for a new book; PRESSURE. Hopefully, we'll go through with this idea. A childhood friend of mine, Bria, and I are planning to write a collaboration of stories about growing up, and going through & dealing with the trials & temptations of high school. We've started sharing some stories with each other, and surprising their striking similar. We're thinking about writing about the same things, but in each one's point of view, and in different chapters, but back to back. Sound good? However, that won't be happening tonight, I'm beat...It's currently 12:15 am, and I still have yet to get anything ready for the beach, ha. Tomorrow should be interesting. But look out for PRESSURE in the upcoming years!

Sleepy,

Nik.

The 411: 8/11/09

Hola chicos e chicas! I think that's correct Spanish? I hope so, because I'm starting Spanish 1 this semester, and I need to know the basics! This is going to be a quick post, not as deep as the others, lol! Ah, I just realized I never informed you guys about me having to see a neurologist, guess now would be a good time to do that. Basically, I've been suffering from really bad headaches, so I went to the doctor not long ago, and they couldn't determine what the cause was. They ruled out tension headaches, which are headaches that are caused by stress. But really I'm not stressed out, I mean it's SUMMER...though there was that one thing thing that could have scarred me...hmm, eh. So, being that it wasn't tension headaches, they went straight to migraines. Being that my migraines are accompanied with nausea it was apparent that I had to see a specialist, i.e. a neurologist. It's crazy though, because the list of good neurologists in my area were all booked up until late September, which is when I will be going. Better pray it's nothing serious, cause that's a long time to wait! Switching off that quick, my mom said something interesting today when we were talking, I was talking about having a party when I turn 16, and I was remembering my 13th birthday party, and my mom was talking about having it at the same place, but I was saying I couldn't because they're be too many people to fit there. Which brought her to ask how many friends I'd lost over the course of three years. And when I thought about who I'd invited to my party, and who I still talked to I realized I hadn't lost many people. I mean some of the girls I've lost contact with, but their the girls I never considered to be my "bestfriends" just some really close friends. But the "bestfriends" I had at the time I no longer speak to. Well one of them I do, but we're no longer what I'd consider to be bestfriends, and the other girl, well you guys no the story with Ms. "I'm gonna date your ex-boyfriend" lol! Anyway, getting to the point, thinking about it, I've lost maybe three CLOSE friends over the course of three years. That's funny three friends in three years! However, in the course of losing those friends, I've gained so many more. So many, I'm not going to even sit here and try and count them. I'm not just talking about really close friends, I'm talking about gaining some bestfriends. So, really dropping those three people helped me to gain so many more to help replace the empty holes they left. I forgive those people though, for hurting me, for causing me to lose sight of my destiny, I needed them though, and I'm realizing that now. So Eric, Navea, Shannon, you guys are forgiven. Eric, I know you blame me for us not being together, and you know what? Yeah, it was my fault, it's my fault we're not together right now, but it had to be this way. We weren't meant to be my dear, and I'm sorry that I had to drag you through our relationship that way. But I honestly was in with love, I truly and honestly was. You were my first love, and you know what they say about your first love, you never forget them! You'll always be in my heart, ALWAYS. So, if you ever, EVER need anything, doesn't matter what, I've got you, arms outstretched, no questions asked, promise. Navea, and Shannon same goes for you, dears. Navea, I'm moving on. Yeah you got a little big headed about your part in the play, but it was well deserved because you did an amazing job in it. Yeah, you made a lot of new friends, and forgot about the amazing ones you already had, but alls forgiven.

However, I'm gonna cut this short. Have to start packing for tomorrow's trip to the beach, yay!

Forgiving,
Nik.

ponder somethings for me.

sometimes i wonder why i bother.
sometimes i wonder why i put myself through this.
sometimes i wonder when i'll be able to break this evil hold over me.
sometimes i wonder when i'll be able to fight this temptation.
sometimes i wonder when i'll move on past this hurt.
sometimes i wonder what the world would be like without me.
sometimes i wonder what people truly think about me.
sometimes i wonder what really goes on in my head.
sometimes i wonder when i'll take responsibility for my actions.
sometimes i wonder when i'll stop wondering and take action.
sometimes i wonder when the world will become a better place.
sometimes i wonder why people hurt people.
sometimes i wonder why i can't stop.
sometimes i wonder why i can't be who i want to be.
sometimes i wonder why i can't listen to my heart.
sometimes i wonder why i can't listen to what GOD has in store for me.
sometimes i wonder why i can't do the things i say i'm going to do.
sometimes i wonder why i let them hurt me.
sometimes i wonder when i'll become the person i wanna be.

...sometimes, sometimes i wonder, when things are all going to come together.

*take this time now, to write down somethings you wonder about, anything and everything; but don't be too specific, just put it in a general sense. it'll help you get your thoughts in order, and help you determine the things you want to change, or figure out. just try it out, you never know when you can be liberated from some things.*

wondering,
nik.

Poem from "back in the day".

Differ we may; friends we stay.
-NDM-

I'm Center Stage.

I'm not the same person, people came to know the year before. No longer will I let others rule my life, or take advantage of me. No longer will I live in the shadow of others, and be pushed back into the background, as though I'm the stage crew behind a production. No, not this year. This year, this year I'm gonna be the main character, I'm gonna be the director, the producer; I'm gonna be center stage. And whether I like it or not, people are gonna watch me, judge me, make assumptions...but let them talk, let them watch me. They may see me struggle and stumble through the rehearsals, they may see me during my weak points, during my times of doubt, but what they must see, what they dare not miss, is when everything comes together. For you see, everything comes together in the end, that line that I may have missed in rehearsal, won't be missed during the show. I will succeed; I will make it. Don't you worry about that. So, in conclusion, you need to choose now, whether or not you're going to be seated in my audience; apart of my life. I need all kinds of people: Haters, people hoping I fail. You, you'll make me stronger and less depending on what others think about me. Doubters, you, you'll help me to rely on my own will power, and drive. Two-faced/Backstabbers, you, you'll help me know to trust no one but GOD, in essence you'll cause me to turn to GOD for my strength and peace. And of course, I need my supporters, the people on my side, the ones rooting for me, hoping...knowing that no matter what comes my way, that nothing shall befault me. So you see, I need you all, you all play a special part in my becoming of age. So I invite you now...come in, take a seat, and enjoy the show.

In the spotlight,
Nik.

The 411: 8/4/09

I have returned! Well, I never actually went anywhere, well I did but...ah, never mind, I'm here now, lol! A lot has been going on, and I couldn't quite find the time to check in, but I'm making time now, so be grateful...just kidding. Let's just dive right in, shall we?
Things with my bf, have been going well. He isn't really my boyfriend, but we sure act like it enough. I guess you could just say we're "boo lovin'", which in a sense means, we're talking and acting like a real couple, but aren't officially a couple. I don't mind that we're not officially a couple, only because he lives a thousands miles away from me, and neither of us want to mess up what we have (being close friends), trying to make a boyfriend, girlfriend relationship work long distance. So, I'm content where I am with him for the moment, just him being there for me, is more than enough.
Recently, (yesterday, lol), an old friend contacted me and we caught up, we'll call him Jon. Jon is a very nice guy, who I've known since kindergarden. We were in 1st, 2nd, 4rd, & 5th grade together, and this year he happened to be in my gym and health class. Jon and I of course grew apart over the last couple years, made very different friends, and honestly I didn't think he gave a rat's bum about me, or our friendship anymore. He obviously did, and contacted me via Facebook, and we caught up. We talked until almost 2 in the morning last night/this morning, and it was nice...catching up. Though through out the conversation it was apparent he was talking to me to get a quick hook up. Now since you guys don't know me personally, this maybe giving you the impression that I'm not in upstanding young woman. However, I am, and there's no way that I would just hook up without first being in a serious relationship with someone, and knowing without a doubt he & I were ready. Jon is a nice guy, he really is. He's no perv, but I'm defiantly not that easy, lol. So, being the straight up person I am, I told him, I wasn't like other girls he'd been with, that he wasn't getting anything from me unless I was in a serious relationship with him, now that's not me forcing him to date me, it's just laying all the cards out on the table, and telling him what's, what; setting the boundaries if you will.
Other than just enjoying my summer, everything else seems to be in order, I'll keep you guys posted.

Love,
Nik.