My 1st Follower.

My first follower! AHHHHHH, I'm so happy! That made me smile, I guess my blog can't be too boring, or bad than, uh? Thank you bunches Elliee, for "following" my blog; means a lot! Just wanted to put that out there, ha ha! :)

Smiling,
Nik.

Help Anyone?

My hands are shaking. How I'm managing to type I'm not sure, but I'll type this as quick as I possibly can't. There is no way I'm going to be able to live with my dad anymore, in all seriousness. I can't take another day with him, I really can't. The way he yells over the smallest of things, the way I'm sitting here right now, watching my younger sister cry from him. I can't take it, I just can't. I need to go and stay with someone else, because if I don't I fear for the worst. Never in my life have I hear him yell like that, and I know good and well, he won't apologize for his tone of voice either. And we'll have to go on like nothing happened. So, I'm just gonna shoot up a pray right now if no one minds..."God, I'm coming on behave of my family right now, I'm asking right now for peace in my home, for understanding and for compassion. I'm asking that you forgive my father for he knows not what he does, I ask that you open his heart God, that he may seek after you Lord, that he may come to know you and have a better understanding of what you ask of him. I want you to move in him God, and allow him to see how much he is hurting us, as a family. I just want things to be alright God, I want things to be better than what they are now. I ask that you not only forgive him, but that you forgive us all. That you allow all of us to be slow to anger, and quick to listen. That we may understand that how we are currently treating each other is not of you. Help us to better ourselves and search after you Lord. Amen". My heart is beating faster than I can count, and only because he walked by, passing our room to his. The look on his face could kill someone if looks could kill. Now, the rest of the day is ruined of course, all of because of this. I think I wanna go for a walk or something. Gotta get out of this house, if not for a little while. Pray for me guys, really really pray, I'm so serious.

Fearing for the future,
Nik.

D-A-D

Hey everyone. I'm back again, but still not in the best of spirits. Well, I can't say I wasn't in good spirits all day because I was, but now, and I'm talking as of a few minutes ago, I am near tears. Like they could fall any second now, ha ha. Why am I so broken you ask? Because of my WONDERFUL father. Now, most of you don't know about how he treats me, or the way that I look at him. Basically he can be pretty chill sometimes, but a majority of the time he works my last nerve. Sometimes I think I hate him, and other times I'm glad I still have him in my life. But most of the time I can't stand him. And today, we got along pretty well, but than a few minutes ago, he got pissed off, and over the smallest of things of course. Over whether or not he told my sister and I if we could use the wireless mouse to my laptop...? DUMB. And I mean, my sister and I have been using the mouse for awhile now this week, and it's been RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM, and when does he choose to say something about it? RIGHT NOW? And or course he waits for my mom to leave the room, and that he says some smart remark about us having amnesia, and I'm thinking "@#$%^&*!" And I know go and well he didn't say ANYTHING about us not using the mouse, and I most def. wouldn't just sit there and use the thing in front of his face...and I told him that. But that he decides to bring up me downloading "Limewire", when he told us not to, and this happened how long ago, over a couple months! And my mom decided to step in then, but come on. He just wouldn't let it go, it's so stupid. Over a MOUSE?! Over a mouse you want to ruin the good day we had? Ha ha, well if that's how you want it, than fine...I don't care. I'm so ready to just be done with living here. When high school is done, I'm out! They don't believe me, but oh, trust and believe I'm leaving. Though, I would like a better relationship with my father, I know that won't happen, simply because he can't admit his mistakes, I know it's not easy to do; we all struggle with this...but be a man, the big bad man you make yourself out to be, and SAY YOUR FREAKING SORRY. Because whether you see it or not, you're pushing me away with every word that comes out of your mouth. With everything you "don't hear" me say, when I'm trying to have a conversation with you; when I know good and well that it's just your lack of attention, I pray things work out between us father...before it's too late.

Holding back tears,
Nik.

Who Have I Become?

I've come to hate this person I've become. I can't stand it; myself. These choices I'm making, the things I'm allowing myself to do, the people I'm trying to fit in with. I can't take anymore. I'm sick of the pressure, and even more than that...I'm sick of the people that are causing the pressure. Why oh why, have I become what I have? I can't remember when I actually became this new person, can't remember when I made that wrong turn down the road of life. But, I'm desperately trying to find my way back. I'm just afraid, that I'm so far gone; so lost that I can't be helped, or found for that matter. I guess I'm finally realizing that I need guidance, directions...help.

-NDM-

"God help those who do not help themselves."
-Wilson Mizner

Having a cold, sucks.

AH-CHOOO! (Is that even how you spell it?) Haha, well you guys get the point, I'm not feeling well...AGAIN. Sheesh, I'm always the one that is feeling sick. So, I'm just sitting here, in bed, home alone with nothing to do but watch Taking the Stage reruns. :)

However, I do have some news to share...I almost lost one of my closest friends Saturday night. I can't go into all the details, because I'm not sure he wants the whole blogging world to know about it, but just know that I never want to lose him. Never ever, and when he reads this know that I'm always here for you, always, forever and ever, lol. He's fine now, and is hopefully going to be seeking help from someone. Which is all I can ask for, I just want things to work at you know?

I wrote something yesterday in my journal, I'll have to transfer it. But I think I'm gonna go eat something and grab some medicine, cause I'm defiantly feeling horrible, lol. Plus my bestfrand is gonna call me soon, yay! So, Im'ma spend the day talking to him, and laying around. I'll check in later.

Cough, Cough,
Nik.

Well, Hello There.

Ahh, hello all. I have returned, I'm still alive I'm happy to say, lol. Remember that Biology paper I was buggin' out about a few days ago? Well, I finished it a couple hours ago, woo! You have no idea how that good that makes me feel to know that I don't have to worry about that now. That's one less thing I have to think about, much less stress about. I still really want school to end, I'm so sick of it. I hate school, haha. I really do, I just want to go to College and start studying for my career. Yes, I know I have to go through high school first, I just don't want to experience all of it. I want to fast forward to the good parts, and enjoy those; but of course I can't do that. But I think that once school ends I'll be good. However, I still don't seem to be happy these days. It just feels as though I'm faking my happiest. Or I'll be happy for alittle while and go right back to this weird mellow, non-feeling mood. I dunno, it's weird. Oh, remember Jamel? Yeah, well I'm not looking to be in a relationship with him, anymore. Not because I'm talking to Eric...(again)...yes AGAIN (that's a whole 'nother blog though, too tired to go into all the details of that, lol). But that's not why, I just don't think it would work out as much as I thought it was, I mean he's a great guy but I don't think it'll be what I'm looking for. I really don't know if any guy around here is what I'm looking for. I really don't know anymore. I sorta think that other people are to blame for the way I look at people now. To explain, take for instance my best friends now. Some of the best friends I have right now, don't know half of the things I go through now, simply because I know they wouldn't understand or because I can't bring myself to trust them, and only because of past things that have made me think/feel those things. And I know I shouldn't hold that against people from my present, especially if people from my past have caused me to be this way. But I fear that I maybe scarred and that it'll be harder to let people in, in the future. But, I'm working on it, I really am. Some people I'm slowly letting in, others...have to show me they deserve my trust. Because if you don't know anything about me, know this, the one thing that matters to me is TRUST. If I can't trust you, then our relationship can go nowhere, I need to know that I can trust you and know that you'll be there for me. Because from my past, I've trusted people, and those people have turned their backs on me, for some it's happened on more than one occasion. Hmm, I've noticed I'm holding on to a lot of stuff from my past, haha. Well, that can't be good, the real question is...how to get rid of all this? Ahh, whatever. My headache is beginning to annoy me, haha. I think I'm going to do something that requires less of me using my mind, doesn't that just sound dandy? Haha, not as funny as "dandy" sounds, lol. Wow, I'm out of it.

Going to take some Advil,
Nik.

Hate School? Yeah, me too.

Why oh why does it seem like school is dragging on and on and on. Good Lord, I just want it to end now! I mean, yes we only have 13 days left...but in those 13 days all my teachers are trying to cram in EVERYTHING, and that EVERYTHING is going to be on the finals. Gah, finals I don't want to even think about finals. Especially in Honors Bio...TAKE ME NOW. I barely want to finish the essay due at the end of the week for Bio, much less study a ton of crap for the final. Boo, school. Boo, my stupid Bio teacher. Boo, Foresight testing. Boo, Boo, BOO HOO. Wow, whine much Nicole, sheesh. I feel somewhat better now though, only 13 days left...after that I can sleep in, crash at 3 in the morning, chill with friends when I want, man...I live for Summer.

H-E-L-P M-E,
Nik.

To My Mother.

What does my mother mean to me? To me, my mother is my example of wisdom, my leader of guidance, my friend, my mother. My mother, is not only a wonderful person, but a strong woman of God. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't see my mother rise her hands and magnify our almighty God, or kneel down and pray. My mother not only gives us her all, but gives God her all as well. To me, my mom is who I long to become, she is my role model, and she shows me everyday how to become a better person, and for the future a better mother. From the little things like, spending a Saturday with me, letting me cook with her, or slipping me one of her famous smiles, she teaches me. To love, to be patience, to look toward God for the answers. She is the pillar of strength in our household, keeping us together when times get rough. And that job, as I can only imagine is harder than it looks. Even when her parents went home to be with the Lord, she was strong. Stronger than I gave her credit for. I wondered than, how she would change. Would I still get those smiles I loved from her? Would she still laugh that laugh that only she could laugh? Would she still be that joyous woman that I took her to be? And yes, she was. That proved to me that she wasn't a facade, that she was real. Yes, she cried some tears; but we all did. My mother during that time, even though she was hurt, was still that strong pillar of strength I clung to. And even after all that, she has her feet firmly set on the solid ground of God. So, not only is my mother someone I look up to, and admire with all my heart, she is also my friend. I know that in the years to come, when I grow up and move on with my life, that she will always be there for me; waiting and walking right beside me. Ready to catch me when I fall, and guide me in the right direction. And so, Mom I thank you for being you, I thank you for taking me place to place to place, I thank you for giving me money to spend as I please, I thank you for picking up my friends and I all the time, I thank you for coming to all my events, even when you're tired and don't feel up to it, I thank you for watching movie after movie with me, I thank you for spending your Saturdays with me, I thank you in advance for everything you will do for us in the future, and I thank you for being the example I need in my life. And never will I ever, take you for granted, I cherish everyday I have with you, you're just that amazing!
Love you,
Nikki.

Seasons

Seasons bring change.
Something new to be brought to life.
That's why I love them.
They bring change whether we want it or not.
So, like it or not a new season is coming; change.

-NDM-

*Written 11/26/08

It Doesn't Need You

The world needed me, and I needed it.
Scratch that.
I needed it, but it didn't need me.
Ever hear the saying "The world stops for no one?"
I've learned that first hand, as I'm sure many of you will or have learned.
The world is a cold place.
Ready to hear all your secrets, than spill them for everyone to know.
Ready to praise you when you've done right, than turn it's back when you've screwed up.
But play your cards right, and you might make it out alive.
Always remember this:
The world doesn't need me.
And it doesn't need you.
But we need it.
Funny how life works out isn't it?

-NDM-

*Written 11/18/08

Walk it Out

People I know, have walked out of my life, and tend to want to walk back in. Well, that is not easily done people, I'm learning to give a limited amount of chances to avoid getting hurt over and over. So, take the time now to decide if you want to be a part of my life. Or anyone's for that matter. Do not play with people's feelings. So make your decision, you're either going to walk out on me, or stay. But know when you walk out, I won't be standing around waiting for you to return. I'll simply walk the other way, and respect your decision. Of course I'd rather have you stay, but if staying is not what you want, than what can we do? Hmm, not much I guess. I love all of you who have decided to stay, and to those who have walked out...stay out.

-NDM-

*Written 1/04/09

Eraser Shavings

Do you know how it feels to erase someone from your life?
To forget their favorite color, favorite band, the way they smell, the way it feels to hug them.
Do you know how that feels, to lose someone so close to you that you feel as though you've lost apart of yourself?
Neither have I until recently; recently when I had to make the choice.
To erase someone who meant so much to me.
The hurt, the anger, the regret, the problems, the tears...all erased.
And all that was left, were the shavings; the last bits of our relationship.
Now, all that's left for me to do, is blow them away; and fix my mistake.
So, I challenge you now, to examine yourself, and your relationships with people.
Are there people in your life, that need to be erased, and forgotten?
Ones that have no business being apart of your life?
If so, simply do what I did...
Erase all the pain, and blow it away...<3

-NDM-

*Written 3/07/09

I'm Back!

Hey all you bloggers, I've come out of hiding! Ha ha, just kidding. I've just been a little busy and haven't gotten around to my lovely blog. But I'm back, and hopefully you guys will forgive and forget, lol. That's the story of my life right now, forgiving and forgetting. What's the hardest thing out of the two for you to do? Forgive? Or forget? It's turning out to be the forgetting for me. Remember when I introduced you to Eric? Well, it has to deal with him, and since I haven't transferred any of my other blog entries from my previous site, you don't know much about him or our relationship for that matter. But basically he was my "first love" and they all say you never forget your "first love" and BOY OH BOY, is that right. I'm trying to move on, I really am. And I've forgiven him for saying all those nasty things to me, but knowing I can never speak to him, or shoot him a text every now and then hurts more than I would ever let on to him. I mean, don't get me wrong, he's not the only one to blame for our fallen relationship but I surely didn't ask him to change. It was his fault that he made himself that way. No one told him to do the things he did, or think the thoughts he thought, that was all on him. I simply witnessed it, and when I tried to pull him back from destroying himself, he not only made me stumble, but began pulling me down along with him; back to a place I wasn't willing to revisit at this point in my life. And so, I had to let him go, and he now, is learning to let me go. But enough of Eric, if I'm ever going to get over him, I'm gonna have to stop talking about him, gosh! The "Drama Queen" and I still haven't spoken, and I haven't exactly made the effort to call her, and neither has she. I did hear that her and my ex recently broke up; what a shame. I did call it though, I knew they wouldn't last long, but hey, I call 'em like I see 'em...she'll learn. And speaking of learning, I'm learning now that track is over, that I miss it dearly. I have nothing to do with my life after school now. I just come home, and sit around waiting for something to happen...I don't really do this, but it sure seems that way. I've decided that I'm going to do Winter Track, that's how much I've come to love it. Other than that, I haven't really had anything else going on. However, I did meet this new guy...Jamel. He's a cool dude, I met him though a friend that invitied him and his friend to our church's Teen Night. And the whole night I didn't pay attention to either guy, I was just hanging with my friends, until the end when Jamel was like "Can my friend get your number?" That was the first thing he said to me and I didn't think anything of it, because his friend was hot, and I was like "Let me get his number first, than I'll give mine out", so I wasn't even interested in Jamel. I was actually talking to his friend in the hopes of something happening between the two of us, but than I started talking to Jamel, and things changed. First, he was talking to me to get to one of my friend's numbers, but than he started "spittin' game" to me as they say, and he turned out to be a really nice guy. Though he does one thing that scares me, which is why even though he's asked me out, I haven't said yes. So we're supposed to be hanging out this weekend. Possibly Dorney, maybe just a movie, or the mall, something simple. See guys, I am moving on, slowy...but surely! So basically things have been pretty much uneventful. But I wanted to inform all who maybe reading that I'm still here, and that I'll keep blogging. Shoot, I'll keep blogging even if I never get a single comment, that's how much I love blogging; I don't need anybody to keep me going, never did, never will. Because if that was the case, and I depended on people to help me live my life, I would have been dead, because people can't be trusted...trust me, I'd know.

Love you too,
Nik.