Well, Hello There.

Ahh, hello all. I have returned, I'm still alive I'm happy to say, lol. Remember that Biology paper I was buggin' out about a few days ago? Well, I finished it a couple hours ago, woo! You have no idea how that good that makes me feel to know that I don't have to worry about that now. That's one less thing I have to think about, much less stress about. I still really want school to end, I'm so sick of it. I hate school, haha. I really do, I just want to go to College and start studying for my career. Yes, I know I have to go through high school first, I just don't want to experience all of it. I want to fast forward to the good parts, and enjoy those; but of course I can't do that. But I think that once school ends I'll be good. However, I still don't seem to be happy these days. It just feels as though I'm faking my happiest. Or I'll be happy for alittle while and go right back to this weird mellow, non-feeling mood. I dunno, it's weird. Oh, remember Jamel? Yeah, well I'm not looking to be in a relationship with him, anymore. Not because I'm talking to Eric...(again)...yes AGAIN (that's a whole 'nother blog though, too tired to go into all the details of that, lol). But that's not why, I just don't think it would work out as much as I thought it was, I mean he's a great guy but I don't think it'll be what I'm looking for. I really don't know if any guy around here is what I'm looking for. I really don't know anymore. I sorta think that other people are to blame for the way I look at people now. To explain, take for instance my best friends now. Some of the best friends I have right now, don't know half of the things I go through now, simply because I know they wouldn't understand or because I can't bring myself to trust them, and only because of past things that have made me think/feel those things. And I know I shouldn't hold that against people from my present, especially if people from my past have caused me to be this way. But I fear that I maybe scarred and that it'll be harder to let people in, in the future. But, I'm working on it, I really am. Some people I'm slowly letting in, others...have to show me they deserve my trust. Because if you don't know anything about me, know this, the one thing that matters to me is TRUST. If I can't trust you, then our relationship can go nowhere, I need to know that I can trust you and know that you'll be there for me. Because from my past, I've trusted people, and those people have turned their backs on me, for some it's happened on more than one occasion. Hmm, I've noticed I'm holding on to a lot of stuff from my past, haha. Well, that can't be good, the real question is...how to get rid of all this? Ahh, whatever. My headache is beginning to annoy me, haha. I think I'm going to do something that requires less of me using my mind, doesn't that just sound dandy? Haha, not as funny as "dandy" sounds, lol. Wow, I'm out of it.

Going to take some Advil,
Nik.